Coming up with torture ideas is harder than you think

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People think it’s easy to come up with torture ideas. I wish! You can spend hours walking along a quiet beach or sitting in a meadow full of butterflies without having a single idea of ​​torture.

Sometimes an idea of ​​torture comes to you out of the blue. Your mother and stepfather might be visiting, and suddenly a big idea of ​​torture comes to mind.

But most ideas of torture come from simply putting your nose to the grindstone – locking yourself in a small, dark room with a lamp shining in your face, staring at a pen and a blank sheet of paper, until that the ideas are expelled from you. . Eventually, as you whip yourself, you become the proud author of hundreds of torture ideas, many of which come with helpful illustrations. But here’s the rub: nine out of ten ideas have to be rejected. Biting snails? Powerful suction cups? what i was thinking?

Some tortures are too expensive, such as those requiring lasers or catapults. And do you know how much a fully equipped dental chair costs?

Some tortures take too long to work, such as those involving icicles or mold, or forcing the victim to eat an unhealthy diet. And some tortures are just too cruel, like those that require pokers or glowing pellets. Or banjo music.

But finding a good idea is not enough. You must test it. Will the clamps hold? Will the chains remain untangled? Will the tips stay straight, or will they bend or break? Will the shutters keep flapping? When the giant tea bag is lifted, will it be strong enough to hold the victim or will it just fall through? Is the torture user-friendly or does it require a lot of complicated instructions? Or a lot of clamps?

I think it’s unethical to test a torture device on animals. And children’s arms and legs are so small that they slip out of handcuffs and leg irons. So I test my ideas of torture on my friends. A true friend will be honest and let you know if a torture really hurts or is just boring. He won’t pretend to scream.

People think you make a lot of money by coming up with torture ideas. Ha, that’s a laugh! Like most torturers, I teach for a living. I received dozens of rejection slips before selling my first torture idea. It was to a lower level Mafia family, to torture a saddle pigeon. It was ice cubes and tight underwear. I received twenty-five dollars and the promise that they would threaten my friend Don.

Claiming torture can be incredibly frustrating. If you want to patent an idea, they make you jump through hoops and then beat you with the hoops. Often your ideas are stolen. “Don’t you see,” do you mean to the thief, “that your so-called ‘skull press’ is just a rip-off of my four-headed vice? you don’t see that ?!”

Some naysayers claim that all of the best torture ideas – the “classic” ones, like racking or keelhauling – have already been invented. But there is always hope of finding the next Iron Maiden. And let’s not forget: there was a time when the thumb screw was just a dream.

Recently, I collected some of my best torture ideas and sent them to the Torture Society. All ideas involved simple, cheap, and intuitive tortures. Only two even needed electricity – and I suggested they be solar powered. I even made up funny lines to tell the torture victim if the torture didn’t work and the guy was just staring at you. I never received a response, which made me think that the real victim of the torture might have been me.

Then I read somewhere that the Torture Society is actually opposed to torture. Yes, we are all “against” torture. And we look forward to the day when we all ride swans and unicorns, eat cotton candy and sing nursery rhymes. But I fear that to this day we need ideas of torture. And I have a cauldron full of them. ♦

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