Wild Love: Vaxxed and Confused

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  • Joe newton
  • This never-ending pandemic brings out the asshole in all of us.


My boyfriend is male, I am female, and we’ve been together for almost three years. We live alone in separate houses, but spend about three or four nights a week together. We’re both completely vaxxed and boosted, and we mask ourselves in public, etc. The Monday before Christmas I started to have mild symptoms but tested negative. My boyfriend was feeling good and we spent a few nights together that week. On New Years Eve, I do a second home test and it is positive. So I canceled my plan to see a friend that afternoon and talked to my boyfriend. Our plans for Christmas Eve involved dinner with some of his family. An hour later he calls and says he’s tested negative and thinks the best thing would be for me to self-isolate on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He still considered going to see his family. I burst into tears. He had been exposed before and if his main concern was to protect his family, the logical thing to do would be to minimize contact with them, not with me. I couldn’t believe he was going to leave me home alone over Christmas when we had already had so much close contact that week. And he knows that vacationing as a couple is important to me! He called me back, we had a fight, then he offered to come over to his place to sleep in the guest room. Once I’m there he changes his mind and we end up sharing his bed. The next morning I want to clean the air and he tells me he was mad at my behavior. He thinks I was selfish and was in danger of exposing him more. I am really confused and hurt by the way it all turned out. Which of us is an asshole here?

– Angry couple know the conflict over virus is stupid

“I am not going to give the title of ‘asshole’ to the author of the letter or her boyfriend,” said Dr. Stacy De-Lin, MD, a board certified doctor who shares solid science on COVID- 19 on her priceless Instagram account. “But there is a clear public health answer to that question: The writer should have isolated herself from her boyfriend as soon as she knew she was HIV positive, and her boyfriend, knowing he had one. important exhibition, should not have attended any family reunion. ”

While Dr. De-Lin doesn’t feel comfortable giving the title “asshole” to any of you, FUCKCOVID, I’m going to go ahead and cut the asshole in half here – in one. demonstration of Solomonic wisdom – and assign the title of “asshole” to both of you. But you shouldn’t feel too bad about it, FUCKCOVID, as this never-ending pandemic is bringing out the asshole in all of us.

“In addition to tackling public health, we also need to tackle the incredible mental health toll that nearly two years of the pandemic has placed on all of us,” said Dr De-Lin. “Many of us were eager to see our families and friends and were devastated when those plans were once again turned upside down this year. Plus, the tips on rapid tests, as well as tips on what people vaccinated people can and cannot do, have constantly changed, so it’s no wonder her boyfriend always wants to find a way to see his family and thinks he could do so safely, and the writer doesn’t don’t want to be alone on Christmas when I’m sure she felt so isolated already. ”

And to put it in perspective, FUCKCOVID, it’s not like you hit a flight attendant or say, “Let’s go, Brandon! To Joe and Jill Biden on Christmas Eve. You just got on your nerves. And you were right about one thing: If your boyfriend was to see someone on Christmas Eve, it should have been you. Considering how much time you spent together after you became symptomatic (but before you tested positive), you can reasonably say that if you were going to expose him, you had already exposed him. So, in the spirit of harm reduction, he could and should have canceled his plans with his family and spent the holidays with you instead. And that’s what he did, right? So while the suggestion that you spend Christmas alone may have upset you, you haven’t spent Christmas alone, do you?

So maybe give your asshole boyfriend credit for that?

Having said that, your boyfriend could reasonably claim that you could and should have isolated yourself as soon as your symptoms first appeared and not spent several nights with him before you predictably test positive. But if you were to let go of your anger at the thought of him suggesting you spend Christmas alone, maybe it would make him let go of his anger at not seeing his family. Because at the end of the day, FUCKCOVID is the same desire for human contact that made you put your boyfriend in danger (by hanging out with him after symptoms appeared) and made your boyfriend consider putting his family at risk (by hanging out with them after a major exposure). So by acknowledging your mutual asshole, maybe – in the holiday spirit – you can forgive yourself and move on.

While I had Dr. De-Lin online, I asked him for advice for all of us – all assholes – getting through the next wave of this seemingly endless pandemic.

“We have ways to prevent the spread of the Omicron variant: get vaccinated and boosted, isolate when positive or after high risk exposure, wear masks indoors, and keep gatherings outdoors. “said Dr De-Lin. “The Omicron COVID variant is not only much more contagious than all of the variants we’ve seen so far, but it also comes at the worst possible time: the holiday season. So it is rampant across the country and around the world, and hospitals are already at breaking point, making it more important than ever to avoid catching and spreading the virus. ”

And as difficult as it may seem right now – and it seems extremely difficult – taking a long-term view will help us get through this.

“It’s important to remember that this wave, and the pandemic itself, will get much better, and we will be able to reunite with our families and friends again like we did before, without fear,” said Dr De -Linen. . “In the meantime, I hope that the author of the letter and her boyfriend, and all of us, can be patient and forgiving of one another in these difficult times.”

Follow Dr Stacy De-Lin on Instagram @stacydelin_md.

Between the mid to late 1980s, when I was a little kid, my dad had an affair. For some reason he confessed to my mom in the early 1990s. She was furious and they separated for two years. My sister and I stayed with our mom for the week and we shared a room in our dad’s two bedroom apartment on the weekend. During this time, my mother frequently and loudly denigrated him and called him “the man of the apartment”. After two years they got back together, probably “for the kids,” but my mom constantly held infidelity over my dad’s head. My sister and I knew the name of the former mistress because my mom would raise her whenever we walked past a motel or at other random times. She always calls my father “the man in the apartment”.

I hated it and thought we would all have been better off if they were just divorced. Their histrionics and incredibly punitive nuns instilled in me, a straight man, the idea that boys are stupid and mean, and that girls are mean and inflict punishment. I developed the shame of being a man coupled with resentment towards women, issues that I am still working on. Now my parents are well over 70 and my mom has actually got worse. My mom found her old mistress online and uses her photo as a screen saver. She constantly brings up the matter and intimidates my father about it on a daily basis. This has been going on for thirty years! Right now I’m out of town for vacation with my mom and sister and my dad has told me he might move out before he gets back. Is it recoverable? Should I insist that he stay? For the first half of my life (I’m almost forty), I was firmly in “Team Mom”. This has changed dramatically in recent years. My dad may be a real jerk, but he’s been wearing this cross for too long and doesn’t deserve it.

—Sad and disappointed to see a nightmare going on

“The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage,” as famous psychotherapist and author Esther Perel puts it, and your parents’ marriage may be the best example of a marriage where the cheater is (or became) the victim. Yes, SADSON, your father wronged your mother when he had this affair thirty years ago. (A matter he should have kept quiet about.) But if your mother couldn’t bring herself to forgive your father and / or couldn’t stop punishing him – or, worse yet, if she only took it back, then she could punish everyday for the rest of his life – so your mother long ago ceded moral height to your father. Someone who cannot forgive infidelity within a reasonable time (like, say, during a two-year separation) has no reason to take back an unfaithful spouse. And someone who can’t help but involve their children in a long, vindictive and self-pity campaign to destroy their cheating spouse has no business having children in the first place.

Your father should move out, your mother should have a mental health assessment, and you and your sister should – finally – stop allowing your mother to abuse you like this.

PS I hope there were other women.

I’m writing just to say thank you. When I was a teenager in the late 2000s, my head was filled with fantasies of sadism and domination, and I was convinced that I was a monster. But I did find your column and every once in a while you answered a question from someone about hardcore BDSM. No matter how cruel and unusual someone’s fantasies were (consensually), you’ve always spoken non-judgmentally about BDSM safety best practices and wished them luck. Yours was the first voice to tell me, even indirectly, that my sexual fantasies were not the mark of a broken and hopelessly evil spirit. It was the first step on the road to learn to love myself. You probably hear this sort of thing from a lot of readers, but still. I wanted to tell you that your column essentially saved my life. I can’t thank you enough.

– Savage’s advice, man, it saved me

Thank you for the very sweet note, SADISM, and I hope my review not only made you feel better about your fantasies, but also inspired you to find consenting adult partners who wanted to make them happen with and for you!

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